relicario de cosas espantosas

Mommy was on a flat hospital bed, naked. She was delicate, white and calm. She was having convulsions. I knew it was the time of her death and I also was calm. I held her, putting her face close to my chest. I could hear my loud heartbeats, and I knew she could, too. She's hearing the life she will no longer have. She looked at me as if to say she did not want me to see this. Suddenly she got up and shooed all of us away, just like she does when she’s cooking and we crowd in the kitchen to get water, reheat food in the microwave, get juice or whatever, and she kicks us out, with an exasperated “Get out of my kitchen!”

I stood outside with D. After a little while we heard a loud fart. We made a funny face at each other. That means it’s happened, doesn’t it? He said yes. A nurse or two came out of the room. It’s probably awful, isn’t it? Her skin is probably hard, like leather. The thought was almost audible. I imagined tapping at a cheek that was ruddy like a fake tan, hard as wood and hollow. She wouldn’t want me to see it. D. and I started to walk away through a corridor. Other people were going, too. It was closing time.

Walking along a busy street with two or three people. It’s twilight. The street is a desert landscape marked by winding paths, a labyrinth. People push and swarm like ants. There’s only one direction. We didn’t get a death certificate. Two people ahead of me turn their heads. A man with a deformed head who speaks like D., says, “Don’t worry about it. We’ll get it tomorrow.” But this can’t be. Should I have cleaned the mess running down her legs? (Would I?) The morgue is cold. Will her body be amassed with others? Will she be incinerated before tomorrow? (Would she want that?) And her credit cards? My brother, sister and I will have to get together and figure that out. And the relatives at home? Will I take her place and send them money?

Three days ago my mother turned 47, I’m working on a novel about the Nazi occupation in France, and my fear of abandonment is just eating me up.